I wonder if anyone stills goes onto this piece of shit.
well since everyone is on tumblr, i've decided to come back to this.
I've deactivated my facebook account, O_O.
Anyways,
This evening, I was at Jacqui's house. &It was the hardest thing i've ever seen, felt, or whaaaatever. It brought back up sooo many emotions that i've pushed away. Not only adding to all the fucking stress, and bullshit i've been going through the past couple of days/weeks. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this. :( It's ridiculous. I started ballin when I heard jacqui tellin me what was up. I wanted to go somewhere far and just break down. I never wanted this for her. I never wanted her to go through what Ive been through, cos that shit was going through hell and pass it. It fucking hurts soooo bad, even till now I can't fucking breath at times. I occupy myself with fucking school work, studying, homework, writing fucking notes that I don't even have to write, and re-writing them. &once i'm done being busy, I find myself still crying at night. I'm not as strong as you think. I mean, I'm strong, i'm independant and i'm doing absolutely FINE without you, I don't NEED you. It's more that, I want you and I wish you were still by my side because God is blessing me with sooo much right now and I want you to be apart of that. I would absolutely LOVE to share that with you. I know you're probably thinking at first that I'm doing so well and i'm so situated with my life that you don't wanna intrude, or whatever. But it's not even like that. The reason why i'm doing so well is because YOU make me wanna be a better person. I feel soo alone in this shit, YOU don't even know. I know i'm doing this for myself, but I don't want that to be the only reason. I wanted to share this success with you, because you we're the only one who knew how much I really wanted this. Anyways, you don't know how helpless I've felt with Jacqui. I know I was there to listen, and I was. I felt like shit cos I didn't have any advice to give her to somewhat ease the pain she's currently going through. I couldn't even help myself, until now. How the hell am I suppose to help her through this when I didn't even find ways to help myself. I'm STILL where I last ended up. All I can say is
FUCK. I'm so tired of feeling this way.
